Thinking Out Loud

December 23, 2012

Pass the Bread

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , , — paulthinkingoutloud @ 3:37 pm

In 2013, I want to try to mine some classic, ancient posts from blogs that are still running. Suggestions are welcomed. With a new year approaching (admittedly not Jewish New Year), this seemed timely. This appeared EIGHT YEARS AGO — that’s 7,542 in blog years — at Blogotional

The following is from a friend of mine that is quite experienced in the ways of sin. (Can’t you just hear Groucho Marx saying, “But then aren’t we all?!”)

The Definitive Tashlich Guide
On Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year), there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean (or a stream or river), pray, and then throw bread crumbs onto the water, so that the fish can symbolically eat their sins. Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs should they throw.

Here is the definitive Tashlich Guide for the Complicated Modern Jew

For ordinary sins…………..White Bread
For exotic sins…………….French Bread
For particularly dark……….Pumpernickel
For complex sins……………Multi-Grain
For twisted sins……………Pretzels
For tasteless sins………….Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision………Waffles
For sins committed in haste….Matzo
For sins of chutzpah………..Fresh Bread
For the sin of substance abuse/marijuana…….Stoned Wheat
For the sin of substance abuse/heavy drugs…..Poppy Seed
For the sin of committing auto theft………..Caraway
For the sin of committing arson…………….Toast
For the sin of passiveness when action is warranted…..Milk Toast
For the sin of being ill-tempered/sulky……..Sourdough
For the sin of cheating customers…………..Shortbread
For the sin of risking one’s life unnecessarily………HeroBread
For the sin of excessive use of irony……….Rye Bread
For the sin of telling bad jokes……………Corn Bread
For the sin of being money hungry…………..Raw Dough
For the sin of war-mongering……………….Kaiser Rolls
For the sin of immodest dressing……………Tarts
For the sin of causing injury or damage to others…….Tortes
For the sin of promiscuity…………………Hot Buns
For the sin of promiscuity with gentiles…….Hot CrossBuns
For the sin of davening (praying) off tune…..FlatBread
For the sin of being holier than thou……….Bagels
For the sin of indecent photography…………Cheese Cake
For the sin of over-eating…………………Stuffing Bread
For the sin of gambling……………………Fortune Cookies
For sin of abrasiveness……………………Grits
For sins of pride……………………….. Puff Pastry
For the sin of cheating……….Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For sin of impetuousness………Quick Bread
For negligent slip-ups………..Banana Bread
For the sin of dropping in without warning…..Popovers
For the sin of perfectionism……………….Angel Food Cake
For the sin of being up-tight and irritable….High Fiber Bran Muffins

Remember, you don’t have to show your crumbs to anyone. For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, an attempt will be made to have pre-packaged Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite, Regular, and Industrial Strength) at your local Jewish bookstore.

Can I borrow some cornbread? Please?

October 26, 2011

Wednesday Link List

So what’s your take-away from today’s cartoon?  It’s from the book God is Dog Spelled Backwards by Julia Cmaeron and Elizabeth Cameron; not for sale at your local Christian bookstore.

  • The Seattle Mars Hill church (Mark Driscoll) decided to go after other Mars Hills churches to try to protect its brand.  But then the church realized its reaction was a little over the top.
  • Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter becomes the latest Christian author, signing a two-book deal with Zondervan.
  • The Occupy London protesters forced the closing of St. Paul’s Cathedral mostly due to fire concerns.
  • Speaking of the UK, a man there writes on his Facebook page that he believes marriage is meant to be between a man and a woman, and next thing you know he’s demoted at work with a 40% pay cut.
  • If you have an iTunes account, you can click this link for an interview with Steve Carr, the founder of the non-profit Flannel film company that produced Rob Bell’s NOOMA videos and Francis Chan’s BASIC series.
  • Paul Crouch, Jr. has left the family business, aka The Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN) to “pursue other work.”  The departure was rather sudden.
  • Americans can donate to missions at the left click of a mouse; but as the U.S. dollar slides against foreign currencies, overseas mission projects are hurting for funding.
  • In one of his best pieces to date, Trevin Wax imagines a somewhat ideal media interview with a pastor on the homosexual debate.
  • Lots of rumblings from the Calvary Chapel churches over the visits of the ever-controversial Jerry Boykin to various CCs, mostly because of Boykin’s Jesuit connections.  While this website looks somewhat sensationalist, it does contain a lot of documentation,  perhaps this one boils it down more concisely.
  • Josh Wiley collects 22 Awesome C. S. Lewis Quotations.
  • Comedian Tim Hawkins has Three Requests for Worship Pastors.
  • October 31st: JesusWeen.  Seriously. Someone came up with this.  To non-Christians it’s a bit of joke.  To Christians it’s somewhat unnecessary.
  • October 31st: Hell Houses.  Russell D. Moore has seven reasons why Judgment Houses or Hell Houses miss the mark.
  • It took presidential hopeful Michelle Bachman only a few days to note that presidential hopeful Herman Cain’s “999” economic program is simply “666” upside down.  She remarked, “The devil is in the details.” Jeremy Myers examines 666.
  • Just in time for Reformation Sunday: Zac Hicks’ worship song including the five “solas” Sola fide (pronounced “FEE-deh”) – faith alone; Sola gratia (pronounced “GRAT-see-ah”) – grace alone; Solus Christus (pronounced “KREE-stoos”) – Christ alone; Sola scriptura (pronounced “skrip-TOO-rah”) – Scripture alone; Soli Deo gloria (pronounced “DEH-o GLOH-ree-ah”) – to God alone be the glory. (Don’t forget to roll the r’s.)  Click the audio player in this link.
  • Insert your link here.  Seen something online this week that I missed?  Add your suggestion to the comments.  Note that not all links will posted; anything commercial or inappropriate won’t be accepted.
  • With apologies to Margaret Fishback Powers, I thought we’d end with an “almost” version of Footprints.

October 22, 2011

Saturday Silliness: How to Tell if You’re a Megachurch

Carlos Whitaker at Ragamuffin Soul, a definite insider on this issue, nails it with this checklist:

  • You might be a megachurch is your green room looks nicer that 95% of your attendees living rooms.
  • You might be a megachurch if you film sermon video illustrations on location in other countries.
  • You might be a megachurch if people take celebrity pictures of the pastor during his sermon.
  • You might be a megachurch if you have more people on staff to run a Sunday than American Idol has on staff to run a Wednesday.
  • You might be a megachurch if kids throw a tantrum when the moving lights aren’t working in their Sunday School.
  • You might be a megachurch if your pastor has had more work done than most of the women in your church.
  • You might be a megachurch if your worship department has not one single ugly person in it.
  • You might be a megachurch if your pastors security detail mimics the Secret Service.
  • You might be a megachurch if there are more police officers directing traffic into your parking lot than manning the streets of your neighborhood on a Sunday morning.

Thanks, Carlos.  Now then, click over to his blog and read the additional definitions his readers came up with…    No, really, you must read the comments.

October 21, 2011

Friday Fun: The Likeable Bible

What if every time you were reading your Bible you could click “like” next to verses that were especially meaningful?  Or especially likeable?  Apparently someone has been clicking something, because lo and behold, we have the website, The Likeable Bible.

At his blog, Big Ear Creations, Dave Carrol decided to have some fun doing analysis on the top ten:  (It’s considered proper to link at this point, but some of you don’t, so…)

There’s a fascinating site called “The Likeable Bible” that breaks the Bible down verse by verse, and asks people to ‘like’ the individual verses they like the most.

Let’s look at the current Top Ten and see if we can cast vast non-contextual, overblown, sarcastic generalizations and semi-baseless assumptions about what it says about people.
#1 and #2 (The boozy verses)

Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Proverbs 31:6

Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
Proverbs 31:7

What it says: Well… people like their drinkin clearly. I actually love these verses too. They make the conservative squirmy. Of course it does say right before that it’s not for Kings and rulers to crave it… so maybe all those sad sack country songs about friends in low places drinkin whiskey resonate with the facebooking masses.

#3 (The Beginning)

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Genesis 1:1

What it says: It means that people wound rather get in arguments about dinosaurs, gardens and strategically placed fig leaves than the publicly espouse the deity of Christ. Ooooo…

#4 (The Commandments)

Thou shalt not kill. Exodus 20:13

What is says: It means that people are still trying to avoid thinking about those whole coveting the neighbor and pesky Sabbath ones.

#5 #8 #10 – (The Novelty Verses)

And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:24

Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness. Leviticus 19:29

But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence 1 Timothy 2:12

What is says: Bear maulings, whores and silencing women. Gotta love the Bible. It says that there are lots of former Sunday School boys who amused themselves by trying to make their friends laugh by passing the funny scriptures around while a lady in a Hawaiian shirt put on a puppet/felt board combo show… on Facebook. I’m personally very disappointed that Ezekiel 23:20 is not there though. That’s what I “Liked”

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

Best… verse… ever
#6 (Anger at the rich)

And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:24

What it says: People love this one. Mostly because 70% of our culture has no liquid money and are drowning in debt and revel in seeing a rich guy is get burned. Schadenfreude. Yep. That’s why people like it so much. Of course they often forget the poor widow that Jesus lauded gave MOST of her earthly possession and wealth so… easy treading there plankeye.

#7 (The Slam Dunk)

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

What is says: It says that people only really know a couple of Bible verses… and this is one of them.
#9 (The Tats)

Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD. Leviticus 19:28

What it says: It says that the namesake “Mothers” whose son’s chose to honor with ink on their upper arm… didn’t find it quite so touching.

BONUS #11 (Fruity Sex)

Strengthen me with raisins,refresh me with apples,for I am faint with love. Song of Solomon 2:5

What it says: I don’t know why fruit was such a big part of Bible sex… but it looks like I’m not the only who curious about it. Where do you put the raisins?

~Dave Carrol

May 19, 2010

Wednesday Link List

For your consideration…

  • Top Trend of the Week On Christian Blogs (and Everywhere Else) — Quitting Facebook.   This one isn’t a faith blogger, but it makes the point well.
  • C. Michael Patton may call his post Why I Am Not Charismatic, but he’s more Charismatic-friendly than most.   Besides, I have a thing for charts:

  • Speakers, worship leaders, pastors:  If your church has an audio system, act as though The Mic Is Always On.   (Actually it’s a good rule for life, too.)
  • This British TV commercial — a long one, at 1:30 — for the John Lewis department stores is our YouTube clip of the week, as it could easily be one of those media clips your church uses on Sunday morning.
  • Donald Miller thinks the next time you’re at a party, instead of asking someone, “What do you do?” you might try asking, “What is your story?”  Everybody has one.
  • Even the little ethnic churches in major cities are prone to sex scandals.   This one took place in Toronto and you probably didn’t hear about it, but South Korea’s two largest TV networks were all over it.
  • This post on theological systems isn’t very long, but makes a good point, and besides, like I said, I’ve got a thing for charts.   Go to Matt Stone’s blog and double click the image there for a clearer vision.

  • Here’s a longer post I wrote on the weekend over at Christianity 201 which includes a long re-post of something serious by Jon Acuff.  Check out Where Sin Abounds.
  • Tired of getting all your blog input from 20-somethings and 30-somethings?   Donald M. Bastian is no spring chicken, but if you appreciate the wisdom of older mentors — especially if you’re in ministry — check out Just Call Me Pastor.   (And the page which explains the blog’s name.)
  • I need you to check this apologetics blog out — pretend you’re a skeptic for a few minutes — and tell me what you think of Proof That God Exists.
  • Joel Taylor discovers that your local hospital may not be able to call that little room a chapel anymore, because that word is too sectarian.
  • Will Mancini says that when you break down Jesus’ spoken word content, his influence boils down to the use of metaphors.   As a matter of fact, this blog post even has a chart:

  • Book Trailer of the Week:  David W. Pierce describes his 2009 Waterbrook story of mountain climbing with his daughter, Don’t Let Me Go.
  • Devotional Blog Discovery of the Week:  Smoodock’s Blog.   The writer is actually named Eddie, and his “about” page tells you what a Smoodock is.  (You already know, you just didn’t know it had a name.)  Short devos posted every other day or so.  Reminds me a bit of Rick Apperson‘s blog.
  • In our Saving-The-Best-For-Last department, Matt Stone scores another Wednesday link with this post — you so gotta do this — asking you to compare two worship songs.
  • This actually isn’t part of the Wednesday Link List — It was in my image file and I truly have no idea where I got this — but like I said, I have thing for charts:

  • Instead of actual cartoons this week, we have some panels from Sacred Sandwich:

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