Thinking Out Loud

January 22, 2016

The Pastor’s Wife as “The First Lady”

First Lady ParkingIt’s spreading like a virus. Calling the wife of the senior pastor “The First Lady.” I think it may have had its beginnings in the African-American church, but it is no longer limited to those congregations. Where did this nonsense come from? Well, I looked it up and there it was:

II Amendations 4:3 The wife of the pastor shall be given a place of honor, for she is more special than the other women of the church. 4 She shall be called The First Lady, and everyone shall bless her. 5 She shall be seated on the front row of the assembly, unless that church has a balcony, in which case she shall sit on the front row there if it is her preference. 6 And if it is the case that she drives to church separately, she shall be given a reserved parking spot, it will be next to her husband’s, and this place shall be indicated by a sign which states, ‘Reserved for The First Lady.’ 7 And the pastor shall make reference to her during his sermon, and if it does not suit the text, he shall refer to her during the announcements.8 And if that service is televised, the cameras shall cut away to a shot of her smiling and shall linger there if she is especially telegenic.

9 Upon her arrival at the house of worship, the women of the church shall take care of her children so that she need not be concerned for them, for they are pastor’s kids and not particularly well-behaved. 10 She shall be exempted from the requirements of the other women, she shall not be asked to bake cookies, serve in the kitchen or the nursery, or make sandwiches for funerals. 11 She shall be permitted to be clothed lavishly, as she is an example to the other women of the church; with fine fabrics and gold jewelry shall she be dressed. 12 The congregation shall shower her with Ministry Appreciation cards on a regular basis as well as small gifts,  13 for she continually must attend to the needs of her husband whose schedule is hectic and whose life is filled with stress. 14 And she shall preach on Mother’s Day; for this expectation she is not to be exempted, even if speaking is not her particular gift.

January 7, 2016

A Theological Sampler Which Covers Everyone

Filed under: Christianity, Humor, theology — paulthinkingoutloud @ 7:07 am

Normally, I wouldn’t devote a post to an email forward, but I have to hand it to the people who put this together; it’s very comprehensive. If anyone can verify the original source, I’ll note it here.

Chicken

Why Did the Theological Chicken Cross the Road?

Pelagius: Because the chicken was able to.
Irenaeus: The glory of God is the chicken fully alive.
John Wesley: The chicken’s heart was strangely warmed.
C.S. Lewis: If a chicken finds itself with a desire that nothing on this side can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that it was created for the other side.
Billy Graham: The chicken was surrendering all.
Pluralist: The chicken took one of many equally valid roads.
Universalist: All chickens cross the road.
Martin Luther: The chicken was fleeing the Antichrist who stole the Gospel with his papist lies.
Tim LaHaye: The chicken didn’t want to be left behind.
James White: I reject chicken centered eisegesis.
Rob Bell: The chicken. Crossed the road. To get. Cool glasses.
Joel Osteen: The chicken crossed the road to maximize his personal fulfillment so they he could be all that God created him to be.
Rick Warren: The chicken was purpose driven.
John Piper: God decreed the event to maximize his glory, or it was an act of Christian hedonism.
Roger Olson: The chicken recognizes no clear evangelical boundaries.
Mark Driscoll: A bleeping chicken crossed the road to go get a beer.
Gary Demar: The chicken was fleeing the destruction of Jerusalem in AD 70. That’s it.
Jim Wallis: The chicken is an organizer for Occupy Barnyard.
Emergent: For this chicken, it’s not the destination that’s important. It’s the journey itself.
N.T. Wright: This act of the chicken, which would be unthinkable in British barnyards, reeks of that American individualism that is destructive to community.
Al Mohler: When a chicken begins to think theologically, he has no other alternative but to come over to the Calvinist side of the road.
Michael Horton: The chicken was forsaking the kingdom of this world to live solely in the Kingdom of Christ.
John Frame: The chicken had an existential need to change its situation according to a new norm.
T.F. Torrance: The inner logic of the incarnation proved an irresistible draw to the other side of the road.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer: He was abandoning cheap grace for the costly discipleship of risking the dangers of crossing the road.
Karl Barth: The crossing of the road, like all true theology, was done for profoundly Christological reasons. All chickens cross the road in the end.
Paul Tillich: Because he sensed that the other side of the road represented the ground of all being.
New Ager: Because he saw the light beckoning him forward.
Fundamentalist: Because his pastor told him so. 

…Here’s a variation on this from 2010, featuring Calvin, Arminius, and even Greg Boyd! 


This is not the first time a chicken has figured into a post here at Thinking Out Loud. In January of 2010 — apparently a significant year for chickens — we posted a copy of Jerry Falwell’s classic 1978 fundraising letter where a personalized mailing system and a data entry clerk teamed up to produce a major fail.

 

November 20, 2015

lol

Filed under: Christianity, health, Humor — Tags: , , , , , , , — paulthinkingoutloud @ 6:33 am

okay to laughIt’s probably the world’s most-used (and overused) acronym on emails, but not everyone actually laughs out loud in the course of a day, or for some, even a week.

For many people, it’s hard to laugh right now. Circumstances are somewhat dark, or tense, or frustrating; you’re under a cloud. I get that. I’ve been there.

But for others, the problem is this: Laughter is a surprise emotion, and if you already have guessed the punchline, or noticed the bucket of water above the door, then having seen what’s coming, usually the best you’re good for is a smile.

Unless you’re one of the people who simply laughs at everything. I know you bring joy to a lot of situations, but always bear in mind that when your friends are making a point and want to be taken seriously, that’s not the time for hilarity.

I’ve spent a lifetime of figuring out punchlines before they’re spoken. I know that readers at this Christianity-focused blog may not appreciate all the plot-lines on Modern Family or The Big Bang Theory, but these two sitcoms represent the top of their craft and there is some really good writing that goes into each and every episode. With both this week, I did find myself quite literally lol-ing, even if I wasn’t exactly rofl — look it up — or experiencing a laughter so severe it causes certain body parts to disconnect.

And you need to laugh. The medical folk tell us it’s good for you. Whether it’s Mr. Bean, or Inspector Clouseau, or Basil Fawlty, or Tina Fey; or just that naturally funny person who is in your sphere of influence. Having a pet will also bring down your blood pressure, although they say you have to actually pet the pet for that to work. Dog food and cat litter can get pricey, but laughter is free.

Jesus LaughingAnd the Bible got there first: “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine,” at least that’s how the old KJV puts Proverbs 17:22; but I much prefer to leave you with The Voice Bible’s “A joy-filled heart is curative balm.” That’s right, curative balm. I guess it’s part of trying to make your translation stand out from the rest of the pack.

Which reminds me…

…A conservative Evangelical Bible translator walked into a bar. “Gee,” the bartender said, “We don’t get many conservative Evangelical Bible translators in here.” To which he replied, “No, and at these prices you’re not going to get many more.”

Finally, from the movie Uncle Buck, a song that’s been stuck in my head ever since.

 

May 8, 2015

Missing the Point

Social Media version of Phil 4 8

Church History

great-commission-revisted

Rescued

 

December 9, 2014

More from Church Curmudgeon

He’s now closing in on 75,000 followers on Twitter. On the other hand, not everybody is on Twitter and this deserves a wider readership, not to mention preservation since Twitter offers little in terms of accessible archives. Welcome back to more from my favorite presence in the Twitterverse, Church Curmudgeon:

Church Curmudgeon

  • Any shop clerk wishes me “Happy Holidays” and I’m going to sing “‘Twas the Birthday of a King” at the top of my lungs.
  • The candlelight chili supper was an explosive success.
  • The shepherds washed their socks by night / By day they let them dry / They wore them with their sandals / And made the Baby cry
  • Pastor’s in his study, quietly hermeneutering the passage.
  • Red and yellow, black and white / We just pick our sides and fight / Jesus, save the little children of the world
  • You know it’s going to be a good cantata when the Homeschool Separatist Handbell Choir shows up with a fog machine.
  • That rise in humidity is church guitarists sweating because of Sunday’s Christmas music with weird chords and no rehearsal.
  • Interesting how energy drinks didn’t become a thing until people did nothing but use their thumbs.
  • The worst part about music piracy for me is how much the postage costs to send out the bootleg Gaither tapes.
  • Our pastor needs a hip replacement. He’s just not cool enough for our deacon board.
  • If you’re going to offer a long prayer to open the men’s breakfast, please pray that the eggs get hot again.
  • Please tell the secretary not to abbreviate the Worship Team Fellowship Bible Study in the bulletin.

For more, look for
@ChrchCurmudgeon

on Twitter.com

November 9, 2014

Cartoon Theology

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , — paulthinkingoutloud @ 9:01 am

There are blogs devoted to all subjects, but one I’ve been reading for a long, long time is Josh Fruhlinger’s blog The Comics Curmudgeon, devoted entirely to the art of those lovely syndicated panels that reward newspaper buyers on days when the front page is less than beautiful.

Occasionally he wanders into topics that might interest readers here, and I wanted you to see both the Beetle Bailey comic and his analysis of it together. Click the image to read at source and look around the rest of his blog.

Cartoon Theology at Joshreads

If the text doesn’t come through on your mobile, it’s repeated below:

Not sure what denomination Chaplain Staneglass is supposed to be, but mainstream Christian theology has had a ready answer to this one since at least Aquinas and probably Augustine. The short version is that God is eternal and exists outside of time as we understand it — indeed, the linear progression of time, including the concept of cause and effect, is part of His creation, so it doesn’t really make sense to talk about Him being created by anyone or anything. You can find this logic varying degrees of satisfying based on your own personal beliefs, but the idea that a clergyman would respond to a sincere question about it with “WELP ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” makes me a little depressed about the quality of ministry available to our soldiers and/or cartoonists, and I’m an atheist.

 

October 7, 2014

Microblogging Tuesday

Filed under: Humor, Uncategorized — paulthinkingoutloud @ 7:13 am

We’ve done Microblogging Monday a few times, but it always seems like we’re ripping off Happy Monday from Master’s Table. (That link takes you to one that’s a week old because yesterday Happy Monday went all serious on us!)

Anyway, here are some thing collected during the week that aren’t needed for tomorrow’s link list.


First, this forthcoming book cover…

Doctor Who Meets Duck Dynasty

… strikes me as Dr. Who meets Duck Dynasty and it seems appropriate that a redneck TARDIS would be an outhouse.


This one was from Postsecret…

Pens from Postsecret

…perhaps you’ve been that person.


 

This one is from NakedPastor.com…

Horse Drawn Carriage

…and gives new double-meaning to the term Amish Fiction.


I was going to press pause in my recent abduction of images from InterVarsity’s Twenty One Hundred Productions, but we had Chinese food on Sunday and it brought it all back to mind…

Lunar Calendar

…click the image to visit their Facebook page.


It’s been awhile since we visited For Heaven’s Sake…

Movie Titles Creed

…a comic Mike Morgan started in 1991. Clicking the panel takes you to another one I like.


This next one is of unknown origin…

Presbyterian Pentecostal Worship

…Nothing like denominational profiling, huh?


Finally, a poach from Happy Monday itself: Generally, each week there is a comic panel from Coffee With Jesus…

Coffee With Jesus - Singer

…which is also available in book form from IVP and makes a great Christmas gift.

October 2, 2014

Bad Bible Study Bingo

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , , — paulthinkingoutloud @ 7:55 am

I was going to use this yesterday on the link list, but it really deserves a post of its own. This was posted almost exactly two years ago on the Facebook page of TwentyOneHundred Productions, the media division of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.

I think we’ve all been to Bible studies like this where some people should really get a “delaying the game” penalty. Perhaps we’ve even been the culprits. Yeah, definitely been found among the culprits…

Bad Bible Study Bingo

July 7, 2014

The Happy Rant Podcast

Church Clothes 2.5 John Piper LecraeOkay…I’m staying loyal to the Phil Vischer Podcast (and they’ve got video) but I now have new audio podcast favorite.

The Happy Rant is Stephen Altrogge, Barnabas Piper, and Ted Kluck

Self-described as “talking about things that don’t matter,” the latest, Episode 5, looks at alternative study Bibles we’d like to see. (Didn’t Mad Magazine do this premise?)

The Andre the Giant Study Bible
The Zangief from Street Fighter Study Bible
The Tootie from Facts of Life Study Bible
The Other Girl from Facts of Life, The One Who Is a Christian Speaker Study Bible
The Crease from Karate Kid Study Bible
The Dwight Schrute Study Bible
The “The Situation” Study Bible
The Chaz Marriot Study Bible
The “Platform” Study Bible
The Pete Rose Should Be in the Hall of Fame Study Bible
The Lloyd Dobler Study Bible
The U2 Lyrics Study Bible
The Mike Seaver Study Bible
The Super Bowl Shuffle Study Bible feat. William “The Refrigerator” Perry
The Twitter Every Word Is Hashtagged and Every Name is Squigglied Study Bible
The 1986 Mets Featuring Daryl Strawberry and Keith Hernandez and Mookie Wilson Study Bible
The Joyce Meyer Study Bible

or this suggestion, “I want a Minnesota Sports Fan Study Bible which basically consists of Job, Ecclesiastes and Revelation.”

They also discuss John Piper’s upcoming gig with Lecrae, hence today’s graphic.

To listen to the podcast, click this link.

July 5, 2014

A Psalm for Summer

Filed under: Church, Humor — paulthinkingoutloud @ 12:41 pm

Now it came to pass that spring turned to summer again. God’s people raised their voices and said,

Recreation is my shepherd. I shall not stay home.
He maketh me to lie down in a sleeping bag, He leadeth me down the interstate each weekend.
He restoreth my suntan, He leadeth me to state parks for my comfort’s sake.
Even though I stray on the Lord’s Day, I will fear no reprimand, for Thou art with me.
My rod and reel they comfort me.
I anoint my skin with SPF-50, my gas tank runneth dry.
Surely my trailer shall follow me all the weekends this summer, and I shal return to the house of the Lord this fall.

 

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