More from the Church Curmudgeon

I thought we’d end the year the way we did in 2013 with some 4th-Quarter highlights from everyone’s favorite (well, 93,000 people anyway*) anon account on Twitter,  Church Curmudgeon:

 

• Between Pentecostal and Baptist worship styles, I prefer Baptist, hands down.
• If the complementarians are right, Santa’s wife is a subordinate Claus.
• The youth pastor just got back from 40 days in the wilderness.
  By “days,” I mean minutes. By “wilderness,” not looking at his phone.
• Pastor’s on a prayer retreat this week. The secretary has been telling everyone, “He went to be with the Lord Monday.”
• Asked the worship leader if he knew any hymns more than 20 years old.
  He started singing, “If you like to talk to tomatoes…”
• Our auctioneer, Mr. Long, perused the last known flannel-graph showing the cosmic effects of the fall as he ascertained its value. Long weighed the world, in sin and error pining, till he appraised what the sole felt was worth.
• Why did the worship leader cross the river alone?
  He was the only one who knew the bridge.
• You can make anything sound grave and important by adding the phrase, “for such a time as this.”
• Looking back, Linus must have converted from pagan pumpkin worship after Halloween, and began spreading the gospel by Christmas.
• The worship leader was complaining about how our church hates change.
  To help him understand, we changed worship leaders. 
• The difference between the Holy Spirit and the church wifi is that everybody screams if the wifi is gone.
  
• Our pastor is now nearing his lifelong goal of alliterating his sermon points twice through the alphabet in one year.
  
• What do you call it when someone gets saved just before the end of a Baptist’s sermon?
  A two-point conversion.
• Our church is split between antinomians and legalists. Today’s closing song was “Trust or Obey.”
• My Monday’s built on nothing less
  Than coffee pouring from the press
• Made a Liszt.
  Went Chopin.
  Be Bach soon.
  Hope you can Handel it.
• At the beginning of the year, pastor set a goal of funding one new church plant. If the Christmas tree counts, we did it.
• There was an ascetic named Arius
  Whose view of the Son was precarious.
  They met at Nicea
  To mull this idea
  duly pronounced it nefarious.
• Every head was bowed, and every eye was closed, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t see you at the prayer meeting.

* And now 41,000 on Facebook, too.