I’m writing this in a moment of brokenness…
…So a few weeks ago our church did a four-week series on apologetics, and one of the weeks dealt with the problem of evil. The speaker was quick to point out something that both my son and I immediately caught on to when he said that the question, “If there is a God then why is there evil in the world?” might be coming from two different places.
The speaker explained that there is the intellectual problem of God and evil coexisting, but then there is the pastoral problem; “If God is love, why is there so much pain and hurt in my life?”
I love when people give you the words to properly articulate a situation or issue. So many times since, I’ve said to myself, ‘You’re reflecting the pastoral question; or the pastoral side of things.’
The pastoral is personal; it’s subjective; it’s taken up with with the cries of one’s own heart.
And that’s where I find myself right now. I’m asking myself how can I keep giving of myself and serving others in ministry — mostly through my vocational calling, but also through my various blogs — when the cry of my heart seems to go unanswered. I really don’t know how much more I have to give.
Ah, yes; the problem of unanswered prayer. It’s partly that, but it’s also just a general brokenness; a feeling that God has distanced himself from the circumstances and situations which make up my personal journey. Some of it is just self-pity. So many things I dreamed of — even for this summer — not accomplished as time slips away…
…So if it’s a pastoral problem, why not see a pastor? I guess I’m in a season where I don’t really have that go-to person in my life; which is ironic because I am surrounded by clergy. I don’t want to have to sit down and pour out the minutiae of my life to people whose life is so very different from mine, or people with whom our basis of association hasn’t had to include the details of our family situation. It would feel good to talk, but at the end of the day I’m not sure they would get it. (Cue: Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen.)
I think I need a shepherd.
Even more, I really need a hug.