Thinking Out Loud

December 2, 2012

Snoreprints

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , , — paulthinkingoutloud @ 9:06 am

One night I had a dream.

And I was snoring really loudly, and woke up my wife. 

She heard a noise at the back door that didn’t sound like our son coming off his shift from his new job. She listened as someone came slowly up the stairs and went back down again; and then she woke me up.

“I think there’s someone in the living room and it’s not Tom;” she said.

I got up and stood listening at the door while she reached for her phone.

I saw a short figure in a dark coat opening the china cabinet.

And then suddenly, three sets of lights came on at once and Tom, an off-duty policeman, still in uniform, yelled, “Police! Freeze! Hands in the air.” He then radioed for backup.

“Damn!” said the robber; then he added, “Wait a minute, you can’t charge me with stealing unless I leave the house with something.”

“Oh, you’re thinking of department stores;” said my wife, now standing at the door in her dressing gown; “This would be break and enter.”

“But;” turning to the policeman, the robber asked, “How did you get here so quickly?”

“I’m their son;” he said, “I live downstairs and was watching Saturday Night Live when my mom sent me a text from her bed on her iPhone.”

“But I distinctly heard snoring;” said the man in the coat.

“Yes, but you only heard one set of snoreprints;” my wife replied; “You should have heard two sets of snoreprints.”

“Wait a minute;” I said, “That’s now how the poem works.”

“Sure it is,” she shot back; “We’re both snorers; you normally hear two sets of snoreprints, that’s why I married you.”

…And then we laughed and laughed. Things are a lot of funnier after midnight. But both our son and the robber had never heard of  the Margaret Fishback Powers poem.

I guess you had to be there.

 

 

 

October 22, 2011

Saturday Silliness: How to Tell if You’re a Megachurch

Carlos Whitaker at Ragamuffin Soul, a definite insider on this issue, nails it with this checklist:

  • You might be a megachurch is your green room looks nicer that 95% of your attendees living rooms.
  • You might be a megachurch if you film sermon video illustrations on location in other countries.
  • You might be a megachurch if people take celebrity pictures of the pastor during his sermon.
  • You might be a megachurch if you have more people on staff to run a Sunday than American Idol has on staff to run a Wednesday.
  • You might be a megachurch if kids throw a tantrum when the moving lights aren’t working in their Sunday School.
  • You might be a megachurch if your pastor has had more work done than most of the women in your church.
  • You might be a megachurch if your worship department has not one single ugly person in it.
  • You might be a megachurch if your pastors security detail mimics the Secret Service.
  • You might be a megachurch if there are more police officers directing traffic into your parking lot than manning the streets of your neighborhood on a Sunday morning.

Thanks, Carlos.  Now then, click over to his blog and read the additional definitions his readers came up with…    No, really, you must read the comments.

October 21, 2011

Friday Fun: The Likeable Bible

What if every time you were reading your Bible you could click “like” next to verses that were especially meaningful?  Or especially likeable?  Apparently someone has been clicking something, because lo and behold, we have the website, The Likeable Bible.

At his blog, Big Ear Creations, Dave Carrol decided to have some fun doing analysis on the top ten:  (It’s considered proper to link at this point, but some of you don’t, so…)

There’s a fascinating site called “The Likeable Bible” that breaks the Bible down verse by verse, and asks people to ‘like’ the individual verses they like the most.

Let’s look at the current Top Ten and see if we can cast vast non-contextual, overblown, sarcastic generalizations and semi-baseless assumptions about what it says about people.
#1 and #2 (The boozy verses)

Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Proverbs 31:6

Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
Proverbs 31:7

What it says: Well… people like their drinkin clearly. I actually love these verses too. They make the conservative squirmy. Of course it does say right before that it’s not for Kings and rulers to crave it… so maybe all those sad sack country songs about friends in low places drinkin whiskey resonate with the facebooking masses.

#3 (The Beginning)

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Genesis 1:1

What it says: It means that people wound rather get in arguments about dinosaurs, gardens and strategically placed fig leaves than the publicly espouse the deity of Christ. Ooooo…

#4 (The Commandments)

Thou shalt not kill. Exodus 20:13

What is says: It means that people are still trying to avoid thinking about those whole coveting the neighbor and pesky Sabbath ones.

#5 #8 #10 – (The Novelty Verses)

And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:24

Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness. Leviticus 19:29

But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence 1 Timothy 2:12

What is says: Bear maulings, whores and silencing women. Gotta love the Bible. It says that there are lots of former Sunday School boys who amused themselves by trying to make their friends laugh by passing the funny scriptures around while a lady in a Hawaiian shirt put on a puppet/felt board combo show… on Facebook. I’m personally very disappointed that Ezekiel 23:20 is not there though. That’s what I “Liked”

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

Best… verse… ever
#6 (Anger at the rich)

And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:24

What it says: People love this one. Mostly because 70% of our culture has no liquid money and are drowning in debt and revel in seeing a rich guy is get burned. Schadenfreude. Yep. That’s why people like it so much. Of course they often forget the poor widow that Jesus lauded gave MOST of her earthly possession and wealth so… easy treading there plankeye.

#7 (The Slam Dunk)

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

What is says: It says that people only really know a couple of Bible verses… and this is one of them.
#9 (The Tats)

Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD. Leviticus 19:28

What it says: It says that the namesake “Mothers” whose son’s chose to honor with ink on their upper arm… didn’t find it quite so touching.

BONUS #11 (Fruity Sex)

Strengthen me with raisins,refresh me with apples,for I am faint with love. Song of Solomon 2:5

What it says: I don’t know why fruit was such a big part of Bible sex… but it looks like I’m not the only who curious about it. Where do you put the raisins?

~Dave Carrol

August 21, 2009

Scene and Herd: Life Around the Blogosphere

linksHere are some random things that caught my attention this week.   If you have a must-see post you want to contribute, feel free to add a comment with the appropriate link.

  • The visual blog Churchy Design has moved to its new home at Tumblr.   It’s not entirely about church architecture, but more related to just about anything concerned with  “…how designers within the big-C Church are using their aesthetic sensibilities to communicate, illustrate, critique, expose, and explore matters of their faith.”

  • Want to settle all that worship music tension at the place you call church?  Brad Harper and Paul Louis Metzger suggest six guiding principles in a Christianity Today article, Here We Are To Worship“The best array of worship forms will illustrate that the church is both embedded in culture, speaking through its constantly changing forms, and also a countercultural community, one that represents transcendent values and truths that confront culture’s fallenness.”
  • In one of his best posts ever, earlier this week Jon Acuff  at Stuff Christians Like looked at the Evangelical cultural oddity we know as The Husband and Wife Ministry Team.   “My wife isn’t a big bun fan, but from what I can remember, the two hairstyle options for the wife in the Husband & Wife Ministry Team are either buns or a beehive with the thickness and girth of a car radiator.”
  • It’s been two years now since the Interstate 35 bridge collapse in Minnesota, but a  post of John Piper explaining it to his daughter is still hanging in the air, especially the air around blogger Bill Kinnon.   Piper: ”  God did not do anything wrong. God always does what is wise. And you and I know that God could have held up that bridge with one hand…with his pinky. Which means that God had a purpose for not holding up that bridge, knowing all that would happen, and he is infinitely wise in all that he wills.” What role does God play when things like that happen.   Darryl Dash keeps the discussion going this week at Dashhouse.com.
  • From our totally-outside-the-box department, comes a link to, of all things, The New Humanist blog with their predictable poke at all major religions in the form of a card game called God Trumps.   You’ll want to click on the individual cards to read them in detail.   You’ll find set one here and set two hereThe weapon of choice for JWs is listed as “foot in door”, while for Anglicans it’s “tutting loudly”. For the Catholics – “the Pope mobile”, Born Again Christians have “televangelists” and “threats of hell fire” …. gulp – did someone say hell fire? [HT: Mark Randall at Pragmatic-Eclectic from whence the quotation comes.]
  • Bo's CaféKeep your eyes posted on Windblown Media — the people who brought us The Shack — for a new novel, Bo’s Café, authored by Bruce McNicol, Bill Thrall and John Lynch.   Advance publicity describes it as “… a model for all who struggle with unresolved problems and a performance-based life. Those who desire a fuller, more authentic way of living will find this journey of healing a restorative exploration of God’s unbridled grace.” Street date: September 1st.
  • Finally, if you can handle another John Piper disaster-related story, it seems the the ECLA, a Lutheran denomination, is joining many Anglicans  in a softened stance towards homosexuality.   But as they met in Minneapolis, a tornado roared through.   Piper — and he was probably not alone — suggested that God may be trying to tell them something.  He blogged, “the tornado in Minneapolis was a gentle but firm warning to the ELCA and all of us: Turn from the approval of sin.” But another pastor in the same town, Greg Boyd, just doesn’t see God working that way. “I have an alternative interpretation of tornado behavior to offer. They have nothing to do with how pro-gay or how sinful people are and everything to do with where people happen to live.” and “…there are over 400 distinct passages encompassing over 3,000 verses in the Bible that address issues related to poverty…  In light of this, wouldn’t you assume that if God was going to send warnings and/or inflict punishment with tornados he’d strike some of the many American churches and denominations that condone, if not Christianize, greed and apathy toward the poor?”

The Silver is the New Black Theme Blog at WordPress.com.